Thursday, December 22, 2011

Please, Indulge My Narcissism

This is the time of year to think about giving. A time when we open our hearts and our wallets and think of those less fortunate and do something that makes a difference in people's lives. 

But, come on, let's get real. It's also the time to think about getting. If you're one of those people who doesn't like to receive gifts because you've already got everything and you feel so richly blessed and all, you might not be interested in wasting your time with the rest of my post. For those of you who like to waste time, this post is for you. 


It's all about getting

From Santa. I like to go right to The Source. 

Actually, I'll be honest. The idea didn't originate from me or the TV. I stole it. 

Christine of Last Frontier Garden, witty writer extraordinaire, compiled her own list for Santa with full consideration of the idiosyncrasies of an Alaskan Gardener. If you haven't read it yet, be sure to click on the link. It's very thought-provoking prose. 

Because I'm toiling the soil in western Oregon's semi-balmy Zone 8, my "needs" (idiosyncrasies) are slightly different than Christine's. I'm not wont for moose or bear patrol or a hybrid tomato that ripens itself in 4 weeks, (but I'd take it). No, my list to Santa goes something like this: 

Dear Santa, I've been good. All year. Mostly. I've whittled my list down to five simple requests because I know you're busy. 

1. Three fast growing replacement trees that look exactly like the existing Sweet Gums but lose their leaves in three weeks instead of three months. If this is outside your budget dear Santa, I'll gladly permit a perpetual wind to send the fallen detritus into the neighbors' yards or better yet, down the hill into oblivion. 

2. On the subject of "replacement," I'd like for you to replace my 50-something body with that of say, a healthy 18 year old. One who can bustle through garden chores with nary a muscle ache to be felt. One caveat though, if I may. Please, only from the neck down. I still want my head (gray hair, wrinkles and all) because going through the School of Hard Knocks twice in one lifetime is more than I care to consider. 

3. A slight re-zoning (expansion) of the backyard boundaries. I need more room for all those plants you're going to bless me with in 2012. 


4. And on the subject of "zones," another slight Zone-tweak, please: Zone 9 instead of 8. No problem, right? 

5. And on the subject of "tweaks," a few itty-bitty improvement tweaks to the plants I love, pretty please. For example: Heucheras that don't dissolve into nothingness. Ornamental grasses that don't re-seed all over the (confounded) place. Lawn that stays green all summer. Japanese maples that hold their spring color a wee bit longer. Ivy that gets 6 inches long, then stops growing. Hostas that are the bane of slugs. Roses that are anathema to aphids.... 

Okay that's all for now, Santa. I'll be sure to clean the chimney and leave you your milk and cookies, a fair enough trade, right? 

Kidding aside, I hope you all have

 

joyous 

Christmas! 

30 comments:

scottweberpdx said...

Hahahahah...I LOVE it! I do hope you'll share cuttings of those Hostas and Heucheras with the rest of us ;-)

HolleyGarden said...

haha - Yes, I want #2 and #4 too!!! :) Have a Merry Christmas! I hope Santa brings you everything you've asked for!

Rebecca said...

Hope you find all your garden wishes are granted! (It hadn't even dawned on me to petition Santa for my garden. I hope it isn't too late.)

Merry Christmas!

Alison said...

That's a great list, Grace! Heucheras that don't melt away to nothing would be most welcome. Love the beginning of your post too. "It's all about getting." LOL I'd prefer to keep my gray matter (hair and brain) as well.

HeatherF1 said...

I want those things, too! Slugs are the bane of my existence. And...I keep running out of room in my yard, which means I keep having to pull more plants out in order to fill it back up again. I guess I am not alone. ; ) Merry Christmas!

lil red hen said...

This is good!! Merry Christmas -- and I hope you get at least part of the things on your list!

Jenni @ RainyDayGardener said...

ooooh, #4, that would be great! Merry Christmas Grace from achy body to yours! Cheers, Jenni

Catherine@AGardenerinProgress said...

I hope I could get a replacement tree for my very messy pine that seems to drop needles year round creating all sorts of work cleaning the roof and gutters.

Merry Christmas Grace!

MrsLittleJeans said...

Great list Grace.. : ) I wish they all come true : )

Merry Christmas! xx

danger garden said...

Here's hoping if you get your zone 9 wish that Santa casts a really wide net and that my NE Portland gardenis swept up in the change!

Merry Christmas Grace!

heather @ whats blooming this week said...

We both need the same thing - a new body. But you're right about the head - wouldn't want to be 18 again, nor 25, nor even 30 - like where I am in my head. Just wish my body would comply.

Merry Christmas.

I'm giving away a cobrahead weeder on my blog!!!

MulchMaid said...

What a fun, realistic (sorta) list, Grace!

I'm with you about #2 and want my head, wrinkles and all, with a replacement for my tired, almost 60-year-old body.

As for zone 9, with global warming (oh, wait, you're supposed to say "climate change" now) I just wonder what surprises that warming factor would bring with it? I would take my chances along with you, though!

Jess said...

Merry Christmas to you!

Darla said...

What a great post Grace! Sorry I haven't been communicating much as of late...so, so busy...soon, very soon!! Merry Christmas dear Gracie!!

Anna said...

Your second request is top of my list :) Wishing you peace and joy at Christmas Grace and happy gardening in 2012 xxx

Annie said...

Grace,
I hope all of your wishes come true! Of all the people I know you deserve it the most! Merry Christmas to you and yours!
Hugs,
Annie

linda said...

Happy Christmas,may all your wishes come true, so you can share them with all us other zone 8 gardeners.

Janet, The Queen of Seaford said...

Change zones??? Genius!! Merry Christmas Grace.

Arlee Bird said...

I'd love that 18 year old body again. Heck, I'd go for my 40 year old body back.

Lee
Wrote By Rote

Lee

The Garden Ms. S said...

Clever and charming list! How can Santa refuse? :)

All the best for the new year in your garden!

Tatyana@MySecretGarden said...

Dear Grace, I hope you'll get what you asked for! I am not so wise as you, so I would ask for a younger face too (I don't like to see a stranger in my mirror every morning)!

Sissy said...

Grace, what a great idea, just ask Santa!
I hope all your dreams come true, and if the zone thing works for you, let me know!

CanadianGardenJoy said...

Gracie girl I forgot to ask Santa for my garden wish list .. do I have to wait until next year now ? eekkk !!
I agree with all of your wishes perfectly reasonable ones indeed !
Joy : )

Amy - Get Busy Gardening said...

LOL, it's not too much to ask! I would like many of these things too. Hope you had a great Christmas and Happy New Year.

Amy

Christine B. said...

There you go and make me look super greedy, Grace, with your five measly demands, er, requests. I suppose this means next year I can only ask for three things! And just what kind of miracle worker do you think Santa is? Not even Donald Trump knows the secret of making Heucheras long lived and he must be 186 years if he's a day.

Christine in Alaska, greed queen

greggo said...

a little more testosterone for me please! it's seems I'm running out of energy lately. thanks for the nice comments btw. and your list of vintage garden stuff is great.

jeansgarden said...

Happy Holidays, Grace. #2 especially cracked me up. The year I turned 50, I went dramatically from excellent health to a variety of health problems -- including my first experiences with more medical tests than I care to remember, my first course of physical therapy, my first surgery, my first hospitalization, etc. I told a friend that my 50-year-old body seemed like a car that had just passed 100,000 miles on the odometer: just as the extended warranty was up, one system after another was developing problems. Her response: "So why can't I just trade it in for a new model?" (But I agree with you about not wanting to go back to relive youth. Ugh!) -Jean

Organic Tomato Garden said...

Haha! I like your humor! Happy holidays! :)

Wendy said...

ha ha - I love it!!! I've got a few wishes too!

linniew said...

This was really fun Gracie-- I meant to comment earlier but got swept away by the holiday tide of stuff... You are better all the time with finding the humor, love it. Hope your new year is already awesome!