Please, Indulge My Narcissism

This is the time of year to think about giving. A time when we open our hearts and our wallets and think of those less fortunate and do something that makes a difference in people's lives. 

But, come on, let's get real. It's also the time to think about getting. If you're one of those people who doesn't like to receive gifts because you've already got everything and you feel so richly blessed and all, you might not be interested in wasting your time with the rest of my post. For those of you who like to waste time, this post is for you. 

It's all about getting. 

From Santa. I like to go right to The Source. 

Actually, I'll be honest. The idea didn't originate from me or the TV. I stole it. 

Christine of Last Frontier Garden, witty writer extraordinaire, compiled her own list for Santa with full consideration of the idiosyncrasies of an Alaskan Gardener. If you haven't read it yet, be sure to click on the link. It's very thought-provoking prose. 

Because I'm toiling the soil in western Oregon's semi-balmy Zone 8, my "needs" (idiosyncrasies) are slightly different than Christine's. I'm not wont for moose or bear patrol or a hybrid tomato that ripens itself in 4 weeks, (but I'd take it). No, my list to Santa goes something like this: 

Dear Santa, I've been good. All year. Mostly. I've whittled my list down to five simple requests because I know you're busy. 

1. Three fast growing replacement trees that look exactly like the existing Sweet Gums but lose their leaves in three weeks instead of three months. If this is outside your budget dear Santa, I'll gladly permit a perpetual wind to send the fallen detritus into the neighbors' yards or better yet, down the hill into oblivion. 

2. On the subject of "replacement," I'd like for you to replace my 50-something body with that of say, a healthy 18 year old. One who can bustle through garden chores with nary a muscle ache to be felt. One caveat though, if I may. Please, only from the neck down. I still want my head (gray hair, wrinkles and all) because going through the School of Hard Knocks twice in one lifetime is more than I care to consider. 

3. A slight re-zoning (expansion) of the backyard boundaries. I need more room for all those plants you're going to bless me with in 2012. 

4. And on the subject of "zones," another slight Zone-tweak, please: Zone 9 instead of 8. No problem, right? 

5. And on the subject of "tweaks," a few itty-bitty improvement tweaks to the plants I love, pretty please. For example: Heucheras that don't dissolve into nothingness. Ornamental grasses that don't re-seed all over the (confounded) place. Lawn that stays green all summer. Japanese maples that hold their spring color a wee bit longer. Ivy that gets 6 inches long, then stops growing. Hostas that are the bane of slugs. Roses that are anathema to aphids.... 

Okay that's all for now, Santa. I'll be sure to clean the chimney and leave you your milk and cookies, a fair enough trade, right? 

Kidding aside, I hope you all have

 a 

joyous 

Christmas!